I sit here listening the rustling of the trees and feel the cool breeze sweeping into my bedroom. Deep breaths…in and out. One more time to hopefully take in whatever strength I can gain from Mother Nature as she joins me from the slightly cracked window. I don’t consider myself an outdoorsy person as I don’t hike as often as I’d like to nor do I go biking like some. I do, however, know that the outdoors is what centers me when I need it the most. The fresh air helps me to reset whatever is has somehow shut down within me and restarts my body and soul. While closing my eyes, I visualize everything that I must accomplish today, tomorrow and during the week. I tell myself it will all be okay and will get done when it needs to get done. I think this to myself as I have my legs tucked underneath my Ikea covers with my old man doggy at my feet. I suppose if I think it, it will be or at least that’s what I’m hoping for. Visualize and manifest. Harnessing my power to get a grip on the silent chaos going on in my head.
…I’d like to know why time goes by slower than freakin’ molasses?!
Let’s just say that the last two days have been dragging arse kinda like walking behind seniors on senior night at Hometown Buffet. No offense to seniors or Hometown because I love them both (well not-so-much Hometown but the kids love it).
It seems that the various stages of grief like to visit me randomly throughout the day. According to several online self-help grief websites, the numbers vary from 5 to 7, but nevertheless, they have been ever present. A not-so-welcome hello! to Denial, Anger, Disbelief, Bargaining and Acceptance. Well actually I don’t mind the visit from acceptance but I feel like a bouncing ball. Going back and forth with my emotions while at the drop of a hat (like when a memory of Angel pops in my mind) my smile fades and I become an inconsolable waterfall. Even driving around town makes my face turn sour just thinking about where he may have been running for hours and hours. I have decided that I need to focus on the good times, fun memories and most of all be positive. Rather than be sad that he’s gone, I am doing my best (though easier said than done) to be happy that he was a part of our lives and brought so much happiness these past three and a half years.
C’mon hourglass, run your course. Until then, positive thoughts and maybe a few woosahs here and there.