Honestly the title says it all. It was almost a struggle to choose it because that would mean having to be transparent in my circumstances and current situation. Too often people want to sweep life events underneath a rug rather than face them. To say it’s been a whirlwind of emotions would be a huge understatement with what has transpired in the last few months. It’s been really bad but through the really bad comes the promise of things that can be really good. Really good for my soul, my healing, my heart and overall my life. It definitely wouldn’t be what I’d call rock bottom, but it has been an emotional struggle with willpower and the ability to push forward when the idea of comfort looks way more inviting than growth.
So yes, I am speaking super vaguely because isn’t that how most problems can be described? I mean, we all go through many challenges and what I’ve come to realize is that the power ultimately lies in YOU. Now don’t think that I’ve achieved this ultimate level of clarity because I am far from being there. After trials and tribulations, after taking two steps forward and five back, and after falling flat on my face only to then have someone walk right over me did I realize that those missteps are sometimes exactly what you need to realize that you are sometimes right where you need to be to pick yourself back up. As the saying goes, if you’re down, the positive outlook is that the only way to go is up right? Well, I don’t believe that saying so much because you can also go in circles when you’re down and not know how to climb out of the sometimes self-inflicted rut that you’ve dug yourself into. The goal is to NOT stay down but that’s easier said than done. I will share a few things that have helped me thus far and I am not a sage in these matters but I do know that there may be someone out there who could use some guidance. In all honesty, I may not ever even know if this helped anyone, but that doesn’t matter because it’s often about giving value to someone who you may never even know and who will never thank you for what you’ve done. That person that may thank you may just be your future self. So perhaps these are the start of my reminders to myself or maybe just a great journal entry. Either way, here goes.
How I Began My Journey to Discover Myself Again & How I Learned to Let Go
- Read the RIGHT books (yes it can be audios as well). It’s not enough to just read personal development. There are underlying issues that need to be addressed and you need HELP. Stop thinking you’re going to do it on your own. You won’t because if that were the case you wouldn’t be in the position, situation, relationship, non-relationship, situationship or whatever you want to call it. If you don’t know which books to read, ask someone who has LIFE experience or the life you desire.
- Do not seek advice from those who do not have the life you want to have. This is so crucial because it’s like asking my 10 year old for financial advice that he cannot give. Do not ask advice from people who have not yet journeyed down the path that you’re on. It is impossible for them to give you sound advice. IMPOSSIBLE. So as much as you like someone or have a bond or friendship, they unfortunately may not be best suited to give you something they have no experience in. Also, some people enjoy the fact that you’re miserable. It’s true. Don’t get lost with the blind leading the blind.
- Remember How Bad Ass You Are. This is HUGE. After my non-relationship or whatever it was or wasn’t, I realized how much of myself I had lost. Negative relationships or even friendships can sometimes make you believe or forget who you are. Negative reinforcement on a daily basis or someone constantly putting you down can become an affirmation to who you think you are. You begin to question and doubt yourself and ultimately become the version that that person has manifested in your mind. If someone is speaking defeat to you daily, run. Run as fast as your can because they are projecting their insecurities onto you and you need to protect your spirit and energy from that darkness. I am being so serious. The only affirmations should be VICTORY because true friends or true associations who care, would not do that.
- Self-Care is the Best Care. Man I hated when people said this. Not only did it annoy me but I cringed, made a face and thought shut up, but it is absolutely a key component in rediscovering who you are. Now some people think of self-care as spa days or relaxation or some serene something or other. In all honesty, self-care is dependent upon the person. Self-care to me could be a day of journaling or writing poems because that is my form of therapy. Self-care to another person could be being outdoors or taking a hike. The bottom line is doing what makes YOU happy and feels good. Write a list. Do them. Whether you choose one day or you decide to incorporate one into an hour a day. This will drive your happiness and remind you of the things that make you smile but most of all make you feel good.
- Have a Support System. People are not meant to go through life alone. Being alone sucks. Do not be the person who is afraid to ask for support. Now this doesn’t mean you want to go and whine and cry to someone about your problems, don’t do it. Everyone has their own issues to tend to and I’m not saying that you cannot vent at times. By all means VENT, but make sure that you also have a solution. Process what you’re saying with someone who can help you process your emotions and simply remind you of your worth. We sometimes forget how amazing we are and yes, we do need reminders when we are in our feelings. We do not think clearly when we are in are feelings which is why decisions should never be made while we are emotional. When you are down, do NOT drive by their house, do not unblock their number, do not consider calling them, do not ask their friends where they’re at, do not check their social media, do not do the crazy things an obsessed person would do because you DO not matter to them. For the record, I don’t do all these things lol, but I’m just saying if that’s YOU, stop it. If they wanted to be with you they would be, point blank, period. With that being said, have 3-5 people on speed dial who can talk you out of doing or saying something that you’ll regret once you’re thinking rationally.
- Stop Comparing Yourself To Others. This actually dates back to past and more recent relationships. No matter how hard a woman or man tries, they cannot help but ask themselves why with THAT person or those people? Just so you know, you will NEVER know why, so just stop asking. The better question would be WHY do you care? Those people that your man or woman were with (whether once or twice or multiple times) are not thinking about YOU at all. Do not spend any time asking yourself WHY. You will only waste precious time when you could have been thinking about something way more productive. Why did my ex-cheat with someone who dot dot dot, IT DOESN’T MATTER (in the Rock’s voice and tonality) because it really doesn’t. All that matters is that YOU find YOU. Who are YOU and what makes you remarkable is what the next person will see but only if you see it first.
- Forgive Yourself. Okay so, I mentioned that I’m not that all knowing sage. You probably thought I was going to say forgive him or her but I believe that forgiveness should be for YOU. Be okay with the decisions that could have been better. Be okay with feeling some type of way when everything went down. Feelings are a normal part of your process. Sometimes the guilt we carry keeps us from experiences true growth and allowing us to forgive ourselves for making such bad decisions. Relish in the fact that you have another day and be grateful that you can begin again. A new start with new outcomes and the promise of something wonderful because that’s what the man upstairs has intended for you.
- Dream Again. This sounds so cliche but it has been what has helped me envision what my life WILL look like. Now understand my words, WILL not MAY. What does my life have in store and who are those people in my life but more importantly HOW do they make me feel? The feeling of traveling the world with my best friends who are just as bad ass. Owning a beautiful home with the man of my dreams and my kids living their best life. Do the people around me lift up my spirits, do they treat me like the queen or king I believe myself to be, do I treat them the same way? I cannot help but smile even while typing this because it is exciting. Envision what excites you. What makes you feel on top of the world? Then do everything in your power to achieve it. No matter what.
Now I didn’t intend on even having a numbered list when I made this post. I just started typing in hopes of the words and content coming to me. This is not all inclusive and obviously I do not take any responsibility in how or whether you implement any of the aforementioned suggestions above. I am not an expert nor do I consider myself someone who can necessarily hand out advice, but I will say that I am someone who has come out of a dark tunnel that I stayed in for years. Yes, I said years. My hope is for someone who is in that similar dark tunnel to see that there is an escape. As dim or as far as it may seem, it is there. I promise you it’s there somewhere hidden behind the lies we sometimes tell ourselves. Somewhere hidden behind the false hopes that someone else can change when in actuality it is ourselves that the change must occur within first. And yes, it’s hidden behind comfort. The comfort we’ve been accustomed to for far too long and to release that comfort brings fear and uncertainty. However, on the other side of fear and uncertainty there is someone waiting. That person is the better version of you who has been patiently waiting for you to wake up and realize that you’ve always been beautiful, you’ve always been kind, you’ve always been resilient and you’ve always been enough. More than enough. They have been waiting to meet you, don’t let them wait any longer.
Merry Christmas all.