i’m back…sort of

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two years + a few months later…

a divorce. a death. a new outlook on life. those are just a few of the things that i’ve been consumed with since my last entry. part of me is trying to figure out where to start or pick up from but there are so many occurrences that may deserve their own post. all that i know is that life is good. life has so many things to be thankful for. maybe that’s what divorce does to you. or maybe that’s what death of someone super close does as well. life is short. we’ve all heard that damn saying time and time again but it doesn’t really sink in until the unmentionable or the unfortunate occurs and we are staring into the sky looking for a sign to continue to forge ahead despite adversity. adversity always shows it’s pretty little face. adversity will make sure to hit you the hardest when you’re already trying to maintain your balance. adversity will remind you that you haven’t faced the worst yet. adversity will smile at you with tears streaming down your face and remind you that you are stronger than you ever believed yourself to be. thank you adversity for your oh-so-amazing reminders of your presence time and time again in the last couple of years. i could not be the same person today without your guidance (if you want to call it that) which is the honest to goodness truth. so on that note, welcome back blogging monica because i’ve truly missed you and reading your inner thoughts. even if no one reads this, writing is the most therapeutic thing outside of being at the beach watching the waves as the sun sets or cuddling my now deceased husky aka best friend Miles Jacob.

more to come…

My Awakening

Yes, the title of this post sounds like it’s img_5528some revelation, but in a sense it truly is. Today was a day full of retrospect with me trying to understand, rationalize and most of all accept where my life currently stands. Growing up, I learned how to lead but most of all follow. We are taught at a very young age to be obedient, to follow directions and to stay on the path. I began obsessed with being that perfect child in order to make up for the many shortcomings in my life. As I got older, fitting in and going with the flow or the crowd became less important. I started coming into my own and learning how to fly even if no one else was brave enough to do the same. My current experiences are no different when it comes to finding that “ah ha” moment and realizing that you were reading the directions wrong when you first started. When that moment does hit though, it’s as if you’ve found your reading glasses of life and things are much clearer and your perspective is forever changed.

This last week has tested my strength. Tested my hunger. Tested my motivation and made me realize who I have become, why am I the person I am and perhaps alluded to the person I want to be in the future. What prompted this realization? Well, I’ve
embarked on a new and exciting journey. For the last couple weeks, I’ve been questioning if I’ve made the right choice or not. I’ve been questioning if I am equipped to do what’s necessary to be successful. I’ve been walking quietly in the background with mounds of uncertainty which obviously transcend in my communication with others. I am not timid, nor do I settle for what life hands me. Normally I forge ahead, unafraid, unapologetic, unphased at those who may represent an obstacle. I have allowed others to influence my success by allowing their opinions, their skepticism and lack of support affect me. I am a rising star and will claim my position in that upper echelon of success that very few people are able to reach. I need to let go of my fears of swimming against the current, against the norm and in unknown territory.  In the next year, I will reach my six figure income all that I have been so deserving of earning  and help people change their lives. You can either ride with me or move out of the way. Whatever you decide is okay with me, because I am okay with me and that’s all that matters.

Silent Chaos

img_4208I sit here listening the rustling of the trees and feel the cool breeze sweeping into my bedroom. Deep breaths…in and out. One more time to hopefully take in whatever strength I can gain from Mother Nature as she joins me from the slightly cracked window. I don’t consider myself an outdoorsy person as I don’t hike as often as I’d like to nor do I go biking like some. I do, however, know that the outdoors is what centers me when I need it the most. The fresh air helps me to reset whatever is has somehow shut down within me and restarts my body and soul. While closing my eyes, I visualize everything that I must accomplish today, tomorrow and during the week. I tell myself it will all be okay and will get done when it needs to get done. I think this to myself as I have my legs tucked underneath my Ikea covers with my old man doggy at my feet. I suppose if I think it, it will be or at least that’s what I’m hoping for. Visualize and manifest. Harnessing my power to get a grip on the silent chaos going on in my head.

Cleansing (sad face)

Day one of a new cleanse and I want to stop already. Having tried an amazing one first, completely tainted my expectations of this new and different one. Should’ve listened to my friend when he told me that the first one I tried was way better. Two more days of suffering only because I’m not a quitter. Although I may have to starve a little if it means skipping the ones I dislike with ginger. My stomach physically hates me. I would too though. To be continued…